The 7 Year Journey Of 'without you'
REALITY BECOMES ART
I always punch myself for not keeping a journal or some sort of memory bank when I was 15-22 years old. Those years for me (like they are for most) were some of my biggest moments of growth, loss, and love. I tend to be very over-nostalgic about the past. Not from a place of regret or wanting to go back, but more or less wanting to experience those highs and lows again. The feelings that you don’t feel anymore. I crave those. On some nights or early mornings I’ll go back through my camera roll from 2012-2015. Reliving these moments…remembering all I can…chasing that very high or sulking in that ultimate low.
Something I’ve thought about for the last 5 years has been the realization that my parents are everything. My role models, my heroes, my team. and they don’t live forever. I don’t live forever. This is all just rented space we share. I don’t come at these thoughts from a place of sadness but rather curiosity. I wonder what it’ll be like when they aren’t here. When I can’t call my mom to just say hello or see my dad pull up in his truck to pick me up at the airport. The curiosity continues as I TRY to imagine what that will be like, but I just can’t.
As a creative, I take these thoughts and write them down. Those thoughts turn into ideas.
Loss is something I’ve always had trouble coping with. I put all my heart into people and partners. So when a person leaves me, willingly or not, I feel like I lose a part of myself. My emotional pie is down a slice.
In 2014 I lost someone in my life. Someone I loved. The first person I said those edgy 3 words too. When I lost that person I felt like a piece of me was ripped out. I have a hard time remembering a lot of things from back then, but I remember getting the news that it was over. To this day I’ve never been so emotionally triggered because I didn’t get a say in this person leaving. It was sprung on me when I least expected it to be. I threw my phone at my wall… shattering it. I took everything in my room that I could break and destroyed it. The one person I would call if something was wrong wasn’t there for me. I had to turn to myself for the answers but I was missing part of myself. In that moment, I had lost it all.
This is where Without You begins.
OUT OF IT
As time has passed, now almost 6 years later, it’s easy to feel almost as if my angsty emotion has leveled out. Even though if I think about it, those emotions still begin coursing through my heart. Without that moment in my life I wouldn’t have left home for Chicago to ‘start over’. I wouldn’t have moved to LA after that, which led me to NYC where I am now. I might’ve of ended up with a terrible life. But even with that mindset, thinking about all of the positive that came from such a lonely experience, it stills affects me for some reason. Those trust issues blend into my own intimate relationships now. I leave because I’m worried about slowing down or not feeling like myself. That episode in 2014 taught me that I’m perfectly fine by myself and for myself. I don’t need another person to complete me. I have myself, my family, my work. That’s all I need, at least that is what I told myself.
From 2015-2019 I sat down every few months and would write down an outline for what I wanted Without You to be. I needed a creative outlet to let out those emotions that I had internalized for so long. We’ll call it creative therapy.
Year after year of writing down ideas nothing would stick. It was just generic ‘boy meets girl, girl breaks boy’s heart’. Nothing fresh or exciting. I didn’t even feel connected to it.
But then, every year I would make a short 20-30 second video with a poem I wrote. These quick sparks eventually lead to Without You.
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS
In March of 2020 I decided to come home and stay with my parents until it was “safe” to be back in NYC. I thought I would be there maybe 2-3 weeks tops. It was 5 months. During this time of no work, no life, no idea of when “normal” was going to return, I decided to sit down with this film idea and try at it again. This time, I wanted to approach Without You with an intention to tell it from my heart and not some angsty story about a high school breakup. I took many walks everyday just to breathe something other than recycled air. I thought about how lucky I was to be home and with my parents. How lucky am I that I get to spend this indefinite amount of time in isolation with the people I love the most?
As I sat with this concept, I sat with Without You. I told myself, “maybe this film isn’t about loss of a relationship but loss of a parent, loss of unconditional love”.
I typed away attempting to put myself into the “future me”. Someone who just lost a parent and is dealing with the loss of themself, but also someone who has just fallen in love with a girl. Coping with loss while experiencing a new love. All at once. This idea felt so real to me. I’m constantly in and out of relationships and they all begin with me falling deep into love and end with me getting scared of settling down and running away. It never is a slow burn, it’s full speed ahead.
I imagined myself falling for a girl in what some call the “honeymoon phase”, while also suffering the loss of my mom. A dark thought, but something that felt so strong and real inside of me. I felt a burning to keep writing that I hadn’t felt before with this project. I typed out the first draft in a few days and kept going and going and going. I was on fire emotionally, in the best way possible. I never thought that a global pandemic would be the creative breakthrough I needed to gain clarity for the scope of this film.
MAKING THE FILM
As I sat in my high school bedroom in Texas (keep in mind…the same room that sparked this idea 5 years ago) day in and day out, highly caffeinated, and nervous, I couldn’t help but ask myself…How will I know when it’s ready? It’s a valid question. I have 15 pages of thoughts and stories, some of which were my reality at one point or another, that were embedded in my head since I was 18. Now everything was fleshed out, but what happens when I’m on set and I decide it’s not ready?
I returned to NYC in June on the brink of a break-up with my girlfriend and the unknown future of my filmmaking career. I was at an all-time low, but I had this film to focus on.
I sat down and decided to start casting my two leads. I sent out a casting call and expected to maybe get 5-10 people (if I’m lucky) audition for the film. I received over 100. This ignited even more of a fire inside myself. I knew something was going right if that many people responded to the script and wanted their name to be apart of it.
I casted the film with the best actors in the world (Gianna and David) and the film was set to go.
The setting for it was a toss up. Texas, Upstate NYC, and Brooklyn were my options. Some for personal + nostalgic reasons, and others for logistical.
I landed on Brooklyn in September and it was lights, camera, action. We shot 11/03 - 11/05.
I told myself after we wrapped on the last day I would probably be an emotional wreck. I had just let my baby out there, and it wouldn’t be mine anymore. To my surprise, the experience wasn’t emotional at all. I was just focused all 3 days and after we finished I was relieved in a weird way. I thought something was wrong because I felt normal. I felt the same as I did after any other project…but why? This was THE project. So much built up emotion was behind this, did I do something wrong?
I told myself I’d be emotional and that this was THE project – this was MY story. So it would make sense that I would react to it in a very sensitive way. Then, slowly, I realized I let out all the emotions writing it and going through those dark thoughts so that by the time we got to production, my “grieving” period was over.
I had to come to terms that, for the first time, I was upset that I wasn’t… upset.
Instead, I was happy and relieved.
LOOKING BACK
Never in any way did I think it would take me 7 years to get out these angsty high school emotions. Nor did I think it would take shape in more of love story about family, instead of a girlfriend. It’s exciting how your ideas can grow on themselves.
I didn’t make this film for anyone but myself. I used it as a way to vicariously put myself into the life of someone who loses their parent because just like everyone else, I’m not ready for that day to come. I’m not ready to look at my phone and know that I can’t call my mom or dad. I’m not ready to come back to Dallas and have to a call an uber because my dad isn’t there to pick me up. That is why I made this film. For me to appreciate them even more than I already did. I made this film with my own voice… just to speak to myself.
That’s how art should be, not creating for anyone but yourself. However, the beautiful thing about art is that even when it is just for you, I can promise you that someone else will see themselves in you, your ideas, and your thoughts. We aren’t unique. We share the same fears and the same joys. The same getting older and the same rhythms of failure and success. We share being human and ultimately, we end up sharing with and for each other, even when it’s just for ourselves.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
As I look back on this post 5 months later (I wrote it in January) I still agree with the feelings and thoughts from it but some things have changed and I want to have a honest conversation about it.
While conceptualizing this film caused anxiety and stress I never thought after green lighting the edit and being officially “done” it would cause a type of postpartum depression. After finishing this I’ve fallen into a dark hole of creative block and a feeling of being lost. This film was almost a fantasy to me. I never thought I’d make it and I also never thought it would be something I would be so proud of. For the last month I’ve been totally out of the creative cycle and have found myself often filled with fear and dread. Fear of never being inspired again and a feeling of dread that I’ve hit the precipice of my career. Something that I’ve never felt before. I’ve always wanted to say something and use my art as a tool to tell others stories. I have made the honest mistake of putting my identity and soul into being a filmmaker/artist for the last decade. I never separated the human from the creative. For me, being a creative was my contribution to being human.
Finishing this film was like running a marathon for 5 years. Putting blood, sweat, and tears into it. You are so focused on just running and the idea of crossing the finish line never crosses your mind. You are just keeping a pace and chugging along. Until finally, you cross the line without even anticipating you ever would. You drained yourself over it just to cross an imaginary line and have to pick yourself up and move into another race. There was never a time that you slowly pumped the brakes upon approaching the end, nor did you ever see the end in the distance. The high of it all slowly turns into emptiness. You are drained. You’ve been running off fuel from energy, but your tank has been empty the entire time. With the race now past you, you are now left with an empty tank and an empty mind. All of your mental capacity went into this race and all desire to run another one has diminished.
I don’t mean to come off as this depressed 25 year old or someone who feels like they have nothing to live for. If I’m being totally honest if I didn’t have my wonderful friends and family around me I’d be in really bad shape. I’ve been able to talk and cry and laugh (mostly cry) with them all about my experience with this 18 minute film. I never expected something like this to wreck me like it did. I always said this film was therapy for me, to help with the idea of losing my parents but after it was all said and done I now have a bigger fear of losing myself. It’s funny how things work out like that. You create and manipulate an ideal “ending” emotion for a project and it turns out to be something you never expected. All I can say now is that I’m seeking to be refueled and replenished from life. It’s been a really hard the last few months but I’d do it all over again if I was given the chance. Sometimes you have to hit the bottom to see just how beautiful the top looks from down there.
Embrace the darkness because the light will always come after.
Why Do We Write About Depression But We Don't Talk About It
ART VS REAL LIFE
As artists, creatives, visual thinkers, whatever you wanna call it. We are people who use our work to convey the emotions we feel or want others to feel. We, for the most part, wear our hearts on our sleeves. Whenever something happens positive or negative in our lives or to the ones around us. We turn to story telling to release what we are feeling inside. We used art as a mask or disguise to tell these stories ambiguously. I’ve always enjoyed this mask and separation. I didn’t think it was an issue to show off your happy and positive life but the work that was created was filled with stories of loss, heartbreak and death. It seemed at first like a happy balance. You just didn’t talk about the dark thoughts and weight on your shoulders in your real life, you used your art for that. In the last 12 months I’ve started to have mixed feelings on this. Why is it that my friends or peers that face anxiety, adversity, depression, suicidal thoughts don’t talk about it? They make films about it. Which I agree is a great start but what if that film is a cry for help and no one gets the message? It’s just art right? We don’t have to look so deep into a “fabricated” story, right?
THE PAST 12 MONTHS
About 4 years ago I had what I would assume was an anxiety attack. I was in my hotel room in midtown manhattan and had a shoot the next day. For some reason I got overwhelmed and just started to freak out. I thought I was going to die. I never felt this kind of feeling before. It was as if I was being held underwater and I couldn’t move, I was being descended into the depths of my emotions and locked in it.
Since that episode it started to occur every few months on and off. It was just nerves right? I didn’t think much of it.
In 2019 the untreated anxiety I felt had now transformed into depression. I had done nothing to fix this. I would wake up some days and wonder if life was even worth it. If my life was truly as meaningful as I once thought. To counter these emotions I would write, pray, and make small films that helped me release this pain. But, as I soon realized, this wasn’t enough. This creative "method” was just a quick painkiller and a mask for a more serious issue. I left LA and moved to NYC thinking that my environment was the cause of it. A year after living here the same issues came up. The same crippling depression and anxiety. So what did I do this time? I wrote, prayed and made small films to release the pain. The same failed recipe for disaster I tried to do before. Something needed to change.
THE HIDDEN DISEASE
As I tried to find some sort of answer to self diagnose and self medicate myself back to “normal” I would meet with friends and talk with them about these feelings and how I was attempting to get back on track. To my disbelief almost everyone I met with felt these same feelings, some were even medicated or meeting weekly with a therapist for either depression or anxiety. I couldn’t believe it, these were close friends who always were shining with a strong light whenever I was around them. They made films or commercials about never giving up and striving for happiness. Meanwhile, they were dead inside. They were holding on by just a thread. The energy keeping them up was by the work they made. What if like now the work wasn’t present? What if they didn’t have that, would they just end it all? The artist life is a weird balance because most times we tend to live through our work. The visuals and message in our work becomes who we are. It’s no longer work, it’s a piece of us. So if the work isn’t present, what are we? Empty vessels? If we only talk about our mental health through our work and it isn’t there, how can we release it?
PROPER DOSE
In this past year I’ve dealt with the worst anxiety and depression I’ve ever felt. The worst part of it all is that I couldn’t find the trigger for it, which made it even more scary. I felt lost, alone and afraid. I had the same feeling of being submerged underwater and I couldn’t find the release to get above water. So I just drowned, over and over and over again. I was torn into pieces. The problem is that I am guilty of what I talked about above. My work WAS me. I created films to cope with these dark thoughts. In the creative process I was happy because I had a sense of release, an escape from the darkness of my mind. With COVID-19 work has been scarce and so this lingering anxiety and depression has eaten me alive for the last 6 months in the worst ways. I didn’t have my creative outlet to numb the pain. Things needed to change quick, because I was spiraling into a dark place I was at the breaking point to do anything to make this pain go away.
In the last 2 months I’ve started therapy and have changed habits to find fulfillment in myself. For my work to not be the only thing that defines me, but instead just a piece of my identity. I am now discovering the light at the end of the tunnel.
THE DIALOGUE NEEDS TO CHANGE NOW
Since 2016 the conversation about mental health has gotten better. People are opening up more and letting others know about what goes on in their mind. Seeking treatment is just a normal part of life now, it’s not this thing that “crazy” people do. Instead of just making art about how we feel, we need to also talk about it publicly. Not as a “feel sorry for me” card but to extend a hand out to those who keep this ill-fated disease inside of them and away from their friends, family, peers. This has got to change. I wish I had a solution to depression, anxiety or suicide but I don’t… I just know the starting line starts with an open dialogue and seeking help with either a therapist or counselor. It can’t be that we choose to only release these feelings through our art forms, it’s just a temporary fix. Once that art is out to the world you are back to the dark and crippling thoughts and feelings. This can’t last forever. I promise.
Create art to start a dialogue, and then use your voice to keep the conversation going. This isn’t going to go away anytime soon and we need to find a way to be there for everyone around us. Life is tough, but we need to talk about even our darkest thoughts to be able to form happy ones. Keep in touch with family and friends and truly ask how they are. I think you will find that once that person is comfortable with you, you will learn things you never knew went on. Just because they have a smile on their face, doesn’t mean that behind that smile is a face of hopelessness.
Be there.
My First Month Living in NYC
CONSTANT MOTION
Next week will mark 30 days living in NYC, of course it’s flown by crazy fast and I’ve loved every second of it. In just 4 years I’ve lived in 3 states and 7 apartments. It feels like a blur but it has always felt like there was always something “more”. Like I was leveling up in a way. Going from Texas to Chicago, I learned how to be adapt to a new place and enjoy starting fresh. From Chicago to LA, I learned about business and how to grow my network as well as create meaningful and exciting relationships. Moving to NYC has felt like the final chapter of evolution in my 20’s. It’s like I’ve taken my knowledge from Chicago and LA and adapted to this new place as best as I can.
I feel like I’m spoiled because I’ve been able to live in the 3 most major cities in just 4 years. The draw to NYC is the constant motion and the drive everyone around you has. You can’t sit around and wait for opportunity, you have to literally go out and chase that down. All your peers are laser focused and living here to become the best version of themselves. That’s why I came here. I want to be challenged, not only by myself but my city as well.
FREEDOM
Living in LA I felt almost locked in. I couldn’t get out unless I wanted to drive through tons of traffic and just be stuck in the car for most of the day. This really messed with my creative headspace. If I just wanted to stop by the beach to think or meditate I had to plan out a 4 hour window of when I would leave, where I would park, and what the traffic would be like heading back home.
NYC has felt totally opposite. If I wanna go somewhere I can just walk outside. I don’t need to think about driving or parking, just going wherever I need to be at. This has been one of things I missed about living in Chicago. Being able to just leave your apartment and soak in the energy of the city in seconds in something I will never get tired of. You’d have to do some black magic to not feel motivated in this city.
“IF, THAN”
My whole adult life i’ve been so hyper focused on “If, Than” statements. For the most part they’ve been correct but a few times I realized it was a mental thing I needed to work along, not a change to my environment. I feel like a lot of my moving around has been because of thinking like this. It took me honestly a while to finally understand my internal happiness and mindset would trump the feeling of needing something better in life. I think we tend to blame where we live or who we surround ourselves with as a crutch. This blame game can totally be true but I feel like most of the time it’s not. I always look into the future and forget about the present that it causes me to miss the past because I wasn’t there for it. I told myself with this NYC move I was going to live in the moment. I’ve dealt with anxiety heavily because of how much I try to construct my unknown future, rather than living in my current world.
I say all of this because I feel like I’ve triggered moving to a new place with thinking all my problems will disappear with my “new “life. It’s taken 7 apartments and 3 states to realize that just isn’t true. I still deal with the same stuff I did 4 years in Chicago but I’m learning how to handle those internal fears and struggles into creative energy.
LEAVE HOME, IT’S FOR THE BEST
I know too many people who never leave home. Maybe they go to college a hour away but they are still always attached to “home”. To me, I grew so much leaving Texas 5 years ago and never moving back. I feel like everyone needs to be put in situations where they need to learn how to adapt to new people, new surroundings and new challenges, and I’m talking about the real world, not college. Go out and see the world. Find a career that isn’t where you have family or friends at. Look around the US and see where you would wanna live and see how you can make that work. It’s this step into the unknown that will make into someone special. I understand some people need to stay close to home or just can’t afford to move but most of the time I feel like it’s just someone not wanting to step out into untapped waters. If you are in 20’s, single and no kids. Get out and see what is out there. Meet new people, live somewhere where you feel like you can thrive and make something of yourself. With this shift in your life you will see just how much you are capable of.
Goodbye LA, Thank You For Helping Me Find Myself
THE FINAL DAYS
This Monday (July 15th), I will be getting on a plane to NYC and continuing my life on the east coast. After 3.5 years in LA, I am leaving and beginning the next chapter of my life.
A little over 4 months ago I decided to make this jump into the unknown. This past year I’ve felt like I was just moving on a linear path. I’ve seen growth in my work but not so much in my way of life. I miss that Chicago hustle, that grind. LA has a grind but you have to get into your car to go find it. Everything is spread out and sometimes feels empty. I wanted to get out of this cycle of getting in my car just to explore my city. In Chicago, I maybe took an uber once a month but the majority of my time was walking and taking the train. I felt connected, apart of something special.
To be honest, when I made the decision to move I felt fine, like it was no big deal. As the months turned into weeks and the weeks turned into days I started to freak out. I felt as if I didn’t make the right decision. I felt like I was rushing into something I wasn’t prepared for. I still feel that way, I’m leaving such a comfy life in LA. Perfect weather, great friends, great relationships. Why leave that?
To be honest I couldn’t give you a concrete answer for the move, it’s just self exploration and curiosity of the unknown. I feel like if we are given the option to step out of our comfort zone we need to. In my eyes, change brings growth and growth brings progress. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m sure of the growth that will come with this shift in life.
Without LA, I wouldn’t have half of what I did when I moved here in 2016. It’s crazy how fast time has flown. It really does flash before your eyes. This is less of a blog and more just a personal thing for me to reflect back on in the years to come. I’m sure I’ll laugh at how much anxiety I faced during this move and how it was all worth it.
Thank you LA. Thank you for giving me lifelong friends, for the beautiful weather, the many successes and failures, the work ethic, the feeling I can do whatever I want. If it wasn’t for LA, I wouldn’t be who I am.
If change freaks you out, gives you anxiety, makes you uncomfortable, Good. Chase that and prove to yourself you can overcome anything in life.
Fear Doesn't Stop Growth, It Moves It Forward
IS FEAR GOOD OR BAD?
Everyone has a fear and as it’s usually something we don’t want to experience ever again, we avoid it. Why is that? Whenever I look back at my short lived life, I see progress points only when I experienced fear or uncertainty about an event coming up in my life. If we stayed comfortable and played by the rules all of our life I doubt we would ever grow or even accomplish our goals
Fear is one of the key factors in being a creative. Your success is predicated on your ideas and originality with your work. For some reason though, I embrace fear in the creative world but get anxious about it in my personal life. Why is that? Isn’t fear a universal feeling in all facets of your life?
It’s really odd how the tables turn as you get older. I feel like as a teenager I feared about my creative life and was happy to “go with the flow” in my personal life. That flip happened I think after I moved to LA. I felt as if my creative career was on autopilot and I saw progress.
In my personal life though, I seem to have a blurry timeline of where I see myself in 1, 5 or 10 years from now. I know where I want to be in my career but I don’t know about myself. I’ve only been “Parker the creative” for 5 years but I’m been "Parker the human” for 23 years. Shouldn’t I have a grasp on my human life more?
I think this is where fear comes in and creates growth in my personal life. I’m blessed, like beyond blessed. I have a loving family who has been an incredible support system, I love what I do, I live in one of the most desired cities in the US… but I still have fear about my future. It’s something that pushed me to NYC this year. I let fear play in my favor and do something radical, move cross country out of my cozy LA life. Leaving behind a girlfriend, friends, comfort.
THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
We as humans are simple but so complex at the core. We want simple things in our life. Great relationships, great health, comfort, happiness. Yet, we try so many things and go in all directions to reach those things. It’s as if we have a roadmap that says “go straight” and we interpret that as “go anywhere but straight”. We see the easy tasks as things we must complicate. I don’t know where that stems from.
Starting next month I’ll be in the 3rd state and 7th apartment I’ve lived in since leaving Texas in 2014. My whole goal in life was to be happy and I look back and wonder, why the hell did I do all of this moving to find happiness. It has fulfilled me and I’m happy for the experience but why did my brain program this simple roadmap to happiness as a relocation mission all over the country.
I think the first reason is fear of the “simple life”. Graduating high school I didn’t understand the groups of kids who wanted to stay in their hometown to keep living the same life. I know life is short and fast, why would I live life that way. Fear of the mundane drove me out and into Chicago.
Fast forward 5 years and now fear has pushed me out of LA because I feel like life is moving so quick. I’m about to be 24 and I can’t wrap my head around that sometimes. I understand from someone twice my age that sounds silly but it’s that age where you start to lose that sense of freedom. You realize the world isn’t perfect and the adults you once looked up too as perfect role models are just as imperfect as you are. You finally get a grasp that the phrase “ignorance is bliss” was what got you through your teenage years.
GROWTH IS SPROUTED FROM FEAR
With everything in life though, we need to embrace fear and how it has shaped us into the people we are. Fear isn’t just something that should be avoided, it’s a signal that growth is coming near. It’s a feeling we should appreciate. Whether it’s positive or negative. How can we step into the unknown with fear if we don’t know what is waiting for us on the other side? There are still many things that generate fear in my life. Will I be happy at the end of this, will I make my parents proud, will I make a great dad for my kids, will my parents be alive to see me build a family? These are things I think about every day but from that fear comes growth in knowing that regardless of what happens, I’ll adjust and grow with the results of any of answers.
As long as you are aiming to be the best you can be, You manifest what you want in the future for yourself. I can’t control life events but I can decide what I can do to make the most of those fearful moments in life. The byproduct of this is growth. You are adapting with the cards you are given, you are not backing down. This is the hardest thing to believe because sometimes giving up is the answer we may wanna choose, or at least we think that. The idea that everything we do matters to the world is not realistic. We need to base our decisions and thoughts on ourselves and the immediate people around us, that’s all that matters. We are all that we are, that is it. The only thing we can do is embrace what we experience and turn water into lemonade when we can.
Fear is always there with us, it’s our job to adjust it in our favor
Why I'm Moving to NYC
Living In The Moment
Living in the moment, what does that mean? I feel like we’ve heard this same trope in every film, tv show, and book since the existence of us consuming content. It’s something I personally never really thought of until recently. I feel like since 2016 I’ve put my head down and just lived in the future. It was always a matter of “I’m working for that” instead of “I’m working for now”. Of course it’s smart to know the scope of your future in some degree but it shouldn’t be the only thing you are set on. Since living in LA I’ve felt like it’s just been an autopilot life. I always look back at living in Chicago and how connected I was to that city. I walked everywhere, took the train, had a community. I feel like having those things force you to live in the moment and appreciate what you have. There has been a period of my life where I’m feeling either a lack of inspiration or just not into the city. It’s been weighing me down and seeking a new environment seems like the best fit., Getting back to a state of appreciating where I’m at instead of only thinking about where I’m going
Why NYC?
As someone who loves the city and fast paced lifestyle, NYC only makes sense. Chicago will always be the #1 city in my heart but I feel like living there again will take away it’s priceless value in my mind. Chicago is a place I use to break away from the routine and just relax. Moving back there would take away that feeling and it would just become where I live again. The idea of getting back to the community environment really excites me. I think that’s what I’ve been missing here in LA. I’ve met some of my closest friends here but we are all spread out across the city. It’s not a tight knit world. We spend more time in our cars than with each other. That’s something I wanna change.
Quarter Life Crisis
I feel like I’m making a joke when I say I feel old and feel like I’m running out of time (at 23) but it’s true. I know I won’t be able to just get up and move whenever or wherever in 10 years. I don’t want to look back at wish I would’ve moved to NYC in 2019. I already life with a micro regret of not appreciating living in the Chicago when I did. This move is almost a mental adjustment of my move to Chicago in 2014. I feel like we don’t realize the freedom we have as creatives to choose our environment for the most part. Why should we settle for one place? Why not see what multiple cities are like? There is no reason to just sit back and be comfortable when there is so much out there and so many more experiences to have. That’s the big defect about my generation. We are stuck in this social media phase and are glued to our phone that we don’t look up and smell the flowers. I know a lot of kids in their 20’s who are gonna regret being so indulged on what is on their screen instead of what experiences are being seen through their actual eyes. I just want to be able to look back and be happy I lived how I wanted to live and saw everything I physically could. We have one life, I don’t want to go not knowing I didn’t live it.
Live Your Life
It’s a strange world when you are in your mid 20’s. When I was 18 I didn’t think anything about the distant future, I just lived my life. There is something so special about how brains and mindsets when we are young that I will we never lost. We have no sense of reality. We do what makes us happy and that’s it, we live a simple life. As we get older we try and complicate things just because we think we should. I see why minimalists are so happy. They have a free mind, they aren’t stuck in this mindset of wanting to impress people with meaningless trends or weave in and out of personalities just to blend in. I feel like our individualism is what makes us who we are and what dreams we create for ourselves. Doing things out of our comfort zone is what makes us grow. Welcoming fear and taking risks is something few want to do, but we all have to pursue it if we want to see results. We don’t find happiness without finding failure first. I’d encourage whoever reads this to look at your life and really think about your true happiness and if you are living that. If you aren’t living for yourself, then who are you living for?
Social Media Isn't Your Answer To Success
My Introduction To Social Media
I get it, we are all addicted to all of it. The last 3 years has been this increase in the use of social media and who is on it. It’s everywhere now. It’s always been there but for some reason it picked up tremendously since 2016. Instagram has been the one to come out on top.
Back in 2012, I created an Instagram and Twitter account. It wasn’t that big of a deal. I’d hop on to post photos of me and friends at the skatepark or tweet about how I just wanted to leave high school and chase filmmaking and skate…. I was an angsty kid with a twitter account lol.
I would safely say almost everyone else on the platform at that time didn’t live on it. It wasn’t used by people in the mainstream media and it didn’t have the addiction is has now. Once these platforms started growing, so did the addiction. In the last 3-4 years I’ve seen a massive spike in the draw of instagram and twitter. It became so flooded with peoples lives and day to day updates that whenever I met up with friends I didn’t have to ask any questions. I already knew what they’d be up too, even sometimes what they ate for breakfast. It become overwhelming
My Realization
As I grew with filmmaking I used IG mainly to network with other filmmakers and connect them with my work. it was a rad way to get in front of people and it shortly became a standard in the indie filmmaking world on how to make connections. I didn’t see this as a problem until these last few months
With the growing platform and very niche IG filmmaking community, it became that I didn’t know people by their personality, work ethic or even how they look. It was just off the work they put out. It took the personal side out of getting to know people and creating with them out of the equation.
Yes, I’ve met a LOT of people because of social media and have been honored to work with even more talented people, but this may only be 2-3% of the people I found on the app. With the importance I put on IG, I started to only use it as a tool to put myself out there. I spent time thinking about captions, aesthetic of my page, and just how I “appeared” online. I started to care and put more time into this then my actual career.
Who I am vs. Who I appear to be
Through all of this I started to have an identity crisis. Am I putting out a front that I’m this super successful filmmaker who is always making cool work and staying busy 24/7? That’s all it was, a highlight reel. If I had a slow month I would just post old BTS photos because I saw being inactive on the app as not acceptable. You want people to perceive you as this person you are not.
It became only about how I looked and not what I was putting out, which is the only important thing. The content on social media took a higher ranking than the video content I was releasing, it became something that wasn’t right. At the end of the day we are doing it to look cool and get likes. It’s totally based around wanting to be noticed. We have this incredible platform to connect with others and make new friends, why don’t we all use it for that? Instead we create this fake reality. It’s just not who I am.
The Call To Action
This past month I unfollowed everyone and just use these apps to post some of my work and that’s it. I’m not scrolling through hours of photos and seeing what everyone is doing. This change has been refreshing. Catching up with friends now has been incredible. I genuinely am curious how they’ve been and what they’ve been up too. I also can focus on myself and my work, instead of how I am choosing to be perceived online. It’s ironically freeing to not be so connected.
This is in no way a post to bash people who use social media to pass time. That’s totally in your control. I’m sharing this to challenge you to maybe take a day or week or month off of it. You’ll realize you aren’t missing anything. Instead of meeting people online, try going to networking mixers and events. Personal connection will never be beat by messaging people.
Be The Role Model You Wish You Had
Looking Back
Film was always something I loved, but I never knew what the future looked like with it. For me I was just 15 with a camera and a skateboard, having fun with friends.
Looking back there were two prominent people who shaped me into a creative and critical thinker, Spike Jonze and my mom. Seeing what Spike did with fully flared when I was a 15 years old changed my entire outlook on film and what was possible. Seeing my mom go from a child with nothing to living her dream, that also changed how I approached business and relationships. These two findings in my life were pivotal in how I would shape my life and community of friends. I didn’t know at 15 how having a great character and persistent drive could help propel you into a great businessman and a leader.
What’s The Secret?
I remember spending the last year of high school and first year of college trying to figure out how filmmakers got to the top of the food chain. I couldn’t figure it out. I just assumed they knew a secret and that is what prompted their success. I would sit in my dorm room in Chicago staring outside my window trying to figure how I was going to make it
The stepping stones to building my career in film were lonely. I knew very little people and no one really discussed how they got to where they were. It was if they just magically appeared there. It was almost like a free for all, for info. I didn’t really understand that. I thought it was going to be clear how I would make an impact.
So… I started emailing people I admired (Mainly filmmakers). Either I didn’t get a response or they would just thank me for emailing them and tell me to “keep going”. This didn’t really get me far as I’d hoped. As time progressed I went from cold emailing to just straight up asking my mom what she thought I should do to progress in this world. Her sole advice was “Be honest” and “Work with people who care and you enjoy being around”. At the time this was something that didn’t click with me. This was obvious stuff, but it took some time for me to learn that.
I needed to know what these other “successful” people weren’t telling me. I thought I wasn’t going to figure it out until I started meeting other creatives and filmmakers who were working on projects that I could only dream of. It was quickly found out that this “secret” doesn’t exist. It was just something I made up in my head.
Mom, Is Always Right
After 2 years of being freelance in 2017, my mom would share business books with me and I would listen to interviews or podcasts with these authors and see how they started and what steps were pivotal in their success. After meeting with other creatives and hearing the accounts of these successful businessmen and women, one thing was clear. Hard work and integrity were the building blocks to being someone successful. From that point on I tried to adjust to someone who could be a leader but also be willing to learn from others.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned is surround yourself with great people. Some of my closest friends are my main collaborators and I don’t think that is a coincidence. From this lesson my mom shared with me I started hosting workshops in 2017-2018. These workshops would be used to bring indie filmmakers together in the LA community and help connect others who might have never of met. This was something that really affected me emotionally. To see how great it was to bring people together and see partnerships created because of something I did, was incredible.
Set The Example
I think sometimes we think someone isn’t looking to us for advice, why would they? We are still figuring it out so what could they learn? The irony is we are always learning and always growing no matter how skilled or adjusted we are to the climate of our work environment. Think about when you first started in your field. I’m sure it was hard to even figure out where to start or even who you could turn too and ask for advice. Be aware that there are people below you who look up to you and are inspired by you. Be that light for them and share what guidance and advice you have learned along the way. The mindset that we know “everything” is so far from the truth. I’m learning everyday, just like the kid who just got a camera today and wants to make movies. The best thing I can do is help guide them and let them avoid mistakes that I made on my journey
Be the role model, you wish you had :)
2018, The Year I Learned To Love Fear
The Unknown
No matter what industry you are in, we all face that feeling in the pit of our stomach whenever we hit a wall of uncertainty. It could be in our personal or professional lives. This feeling could be the result of a million different things but in the end, it can eat away at our productivity and happiness. It can be scary because we don’t know the future and we don’t have a “process” to follow. It’s just us talking to a peer or mentor and basically getting a best guess from them. I’m gonna be honest, I don’t make any decisions without going to 3 of the people in my inner circle. They know my goals and what is best for me. It wasn’t always like this though. I used to not have that network, it was just me and my thoughts and an anxiety attack usually resulted from this.
Reaching Out
Starting in my teenage years I thought I could do it all. Invincibility was my in my soul. I didn’t think I needed anyone and I could do everything on my own. This wasn’t until an event happened in high school 3 months before graduating that messed me up. I didn’t have a network of people to reach out too and I didn’t really know what to do. So I decided to leave Texas and move as far away as I could, to Chicago. This was where I was gonna rebuild and restructure myself. In Chicago, I met some amazing friends I still have and they were the missing pieces I didn’t have before. During 2015-2017 I was finding myself, just like every other person my age. I had toxic relationships and powerful ones. These were the building blocks for my network of people, I just didn’t know that at the time. I’d call my mom upset about not being where I wanted and I wasn’t sure what was holding back my progression. I was having an anxiety attack at least once a month and didn’t know where to turn. It was just as if I was in the backseat a moving car and I didn’t know where we were going.
Finding Your Circle
In late 2017 I wasn’t happy with my work. I was making sub par music videos and didn’t feel like I was around the best influences. I was where I thought I wanted to be, but my work wasn’t. I had this fear of never getting this “break” and just staying stuck in this melting pot of mediocrity. At the end of the year I met a group of creatives who were like any others before. These guys are my frequent collaborators and hold me to a standard of being a great creative and an even better human. After being in this new “circle” I started to see an increase in production quality and myself as a human. I cared more about people and their dreams and goals. I didn’t see someone as a chess piece I could befriend and help me get to where I wanted to be like they were just a robot. I started to build empathy and tried to spread the happiness and positivity I was getting.
This entire time I’d call my mom or my agent and I thought the catalyst was just myself or my work. That may of played a role but it was mainly my circle of peers and friends. I had toxic friendships and I wasn’t treating people the way they should be. This is when that feeling in the bottom of my stomach started to dissipate.
Practice Makes Perfect
This entire year has been the most challenging since I graduated high school and tried to find meaning in my life. It was not only in my personal life but also in my career. I decided I didn’t want to chase a career in music videos anymore, the dream I had since 17. I wanted to tell stories, I wanted to change lives and I really wanted to be a positive impact on EVERYONE. My family, friends, peers. I got the words “trust the process” tatted on my arm. Whenever I feel down and don’t know where I’m getting called to do something and don’t know how to feel I look at that. It sounds corny and cliche but I’ve made it through some hard times that I didn’t think I would. It felt as if sometimes I didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I made a light and I found my way out.
It’s not just how you feel about yourself, it’s about how your friends feel about you. You need a pack of people who care about you as much as you do, and just like they are there for you. You need to be there for them. It’s incredible what being around people who hold you up to a standard can do. They are this “light” in a way. They can guide you and help you out of darkness.
Trust the unknown. The pit in your stomach is a positive feeling, It means you care about your future.
Measure Success With Your Heart
Wins and Losses, are great.
If you know me, you know that I tend to reflect on things a lot, almost to a fault. It’s just how I’m wired. I love the idea of looking back at both mistakes and successes and see what went right or wrong. This is how I determine if I’m “progressing” or not. I care just as much about my losses as I do my wins. It’s so cliche and corny but you really do learn from your mistakes. At the moment I get down at myself or upset that I failed or missed the mark. Once you realize you aren’t invincible and humans can make mistakes, you will see that avoiding a loss or failure is close to impossible, no matter how hard you try. This isn’t just with my work life though. I judge how great of a son I am to my parents, or boyfriend to my girlfriend or just being a human in everyday life. I make sure to treat everyone with respect and integrity, no one deserves less. Of course, I’ve been a terrible son at times (Ask my mom, she’ll tell you I’m been great all these years but keep asking and she’ll let you know I’ve made mistakes in the past). I’ve been a bad businessman as well and I hate to admit that but I believe we even fail at what we love the most. The great thing about these failures is that you need the self awareness to notice the faults and correct them. Once you can develop that sense of right and wrong, you will only go up from there. I don’t make the same mistakes I did 3 years ago because I’ve been on the losing end of those mistakes and it sucks. Having someone tell you that you did a terrible job at something you love makes you feel like a fraud. Like someone who shouldn’t be in that field and should be focused on something else. That pit in the bottom of your stomach is not something I like to feel a lot. That feeling is my self awareness alarm going off and telling me to adjust ASAP or find something else.
Why Are We Obsessed With Time
Taking care of past mistakes and working on yourself takes time. I look back at videos of me when I was 18 and I cringe. I had the gnarliest sense of style and had WAY to much hair gel and hairspray in my hair. I don’t know what was going on there. Part of me likes going back and seeing these clips though because I’m seeing the progression of growth. There are interviews of me from 18-22 years old. Each year I can see a slight maturity bump that has happened and that makes me happy. I see the progression of my professional career and where it’s going.
That’s 4 years of slow but steady growth and it went by so fast. The problem with people my age is everyone wants to be concerned about time. I have these same insecurities but it’s reflecting back on what time does for us that makes me not worry. We wanna make sure we are doing EVERYTHING we can and not lay back in 50 years and worry about regret. That feeling alone is something that haunts me. I value work and career so much because I love it but at what cost? Am I not focusing on family enough? Am I doing everything in my personal life I want? Do I need to take a step back? At age 17 I though I’d have it all figured out at 23. In my eyes (at 17) I thought at 23 I’d be a millionaire, doing massive music video shoots with Kanye and Drake and have all of these cars and wealth. Now looking back, why did I want that so bad at 23? Why did I think that those materialistic / temporary things would mean I accomplished all of my goals. It was because at the time, 4 years felt like 50 years. I wanted to show people that I could be successful before 25 and be in Forbes 30 under 30 and be the richest person. At that age, I was going into this with the wrong intentions. I didn’t care about the art or the integrity of my work. I just cared about my monetary status. This the toxic life of being obsessed with time and thinking everything has to be accomplished ASAP. The idea of patience is thrown out the window. The “i want it now” symptoms starts pouring in.
Measure Success With Your Heart
Let’s say that I did become a millionaire by 23 and ran the music video world, than what? Would I be happy? Would I not have any more goals? As soon as my bank account hit 1 million would I just pack up and be done? Absolutely not. At 17 I may of thought that and I couldn’t have been more wrong. The idea that money is the only factor that defines success is sad. You don’t take materialistic items or greed to the grave, you are only left with your heart. What you do with your heart during your life has the potential to exceed any net worth. How you treat people, how you treat yourself, how you give back, how you change the world. This is what life is all about. Yes, chase your goals and if one of your goals is to be a millionaire, go for it. If that’s your happiness, chase it. For me, it’s not about that anymore. I’m sure money and success will come but that’s that not my focus. My goals are to progress as a human creating honest and real work that has a pulse and continue to inspire those around me. The by-product of that is success (for me at least). Go to a white board, chalk board, notes on your phone. Write down your goals for the next 5 years and ask “why?”. Why do you want that mansion or why do you want to marry that girl. It’s okay to want things but answer it honestly and ask yourself if that truly will bring happiness or if it’s just a temporary high. Go over what moves you emotionally and not just monetarily. I promise you, you will find happiness in that.
Filmmaking Teaches Diversity But Doesn't Respect Minorities
The Current State Of The Film Industry
This past month I attended the Film & Music Conference in Ft. Worth. It was hosted by Musicbed and Filmsupply. Two awesome companies that have been great for all filmmakers and creatives alike. At this conference was about 500+ attendees. It was a great networking event as well as a great place to connect with people I’ve met online. The only problem was one thing, diversity. The conference was filled with white people who all looked alike (Like myself). The amount of Women, Black, Brown, etc. Was non existent. I saw MAYBE 8-10 women and I would say honestly 5% of the conference was minorities. This of course isn’t all Musicbed and Filmsupply’s fault and I’m sure it was just as shocking to them, hopefully. The keynote speakers had some diversity but the for the most part it was male and white dominated. The irony was the main takeaway from the conference was to work with EVERY one and collaborate with someone different from you. This is a great message but it just didn’t sit well with me. I looked around and didn’t really see a huge change in skin tone or gender. I didn’t know how to interpret this. I reached out to some women who attended the conference and asked them this. “What could have been done differently?”. The unanimous answer was this, we need to balance out the playing field. Just cause you have one woman speak alongside 6 men doesn’t mean you can check off the “diversity” box. It’s still a small percentage and not good enough. From what I gathered from all minorities I spoke too was that they just don’t feel welcomed at these events or workshops. It’s our jobs as the majority to be including EVERYONE. Everyone has a story and an ability.
My Perspective
Of course. coming at this being a white guy is weird and almost backwards. What do I know about diversity? I’m the main demographic in the film world, I don’t know what it’s like to have work 50x harder to get jobs. I don’t know what it’s like to show up on set and not look like any other cast or crew members. I’ve had it easy.
Fortunately, I started my film career in high school shooting skateboarding and hip hop/rap music videos. Two facets of film with tons of diversity and representation in them respectively. I hung out mainly with minorities and got a small TASTE of what some of them deal with the on the regular basis. I remember walking around Chicago with my friend and someone decided to stop their car, roll down the window and scream the N word at him. We were just sitting around talking and my friend was getting slandered and treated like shit for no reason by this random dude. This was the small glimpse I got into this messed up world we live in. I think most people in film don’t mean to lack diversity on sets or purposely turn down minorities. They just aren’t exposed to it. We are surrounded on sets with the same looking people so it’s a norm to us to keep hiring the same people, because we look alike. What I’ve tried doing to get out of this limited network is reach out to people through instagram or facebook with questions like “If you are a female Director/DP reach out to me”. This has helped me find people I otherwise wouldn’t be able to if I hadn’t put out that post. It’s been really interesting meeting others and having this conversation.
What We Can Do.
The past two years I’ve been blessed to work with Ciara Boniface, a black female director superstar from Dallas. She’s allowed me to DP her last two films, Dirty Money and Skintight. Both follow heavy themes based around minorities and struggles alike. At first (and still a little bit) I didn’t feel like I deserved to be apart of these projects. I’m not a minority and I’ve never faced these struggles before. What help am I gonna bring to this project? I know nothing about these themes. Either way, she chose me and I put my heart into it. Fast forward two years, both films have won awards and skintight has been turned into a feature, which is incredible. Looking back at these experiences I can’t explain how blessed I am to have learned all I did working on these films. It was truly a blessing, I got to see into a new world I knew almost nothing about and worked with a very diverse crew. It was one of few perfect sets I’ve gotten to work on. This was a starting point for myself and a challenge to continue working with diverse sets.
I say all of this to encourage you to reach out to a creative who is a minority. Hang out with them, hear their story, create with them. I can promise you they’ve had their fair share of trials and tribulations. Most times those make the great films. Look at 2 films that have won tons of awards in the last two years. Moonlight and Lady Bird.
Moonlight, Directed by Barry Jenkins. Is a story based off his life growing up black and gay in Florida. These is of the most moving films I’ve seen in the last few years.
Lady Bird, Directed by Greta Gerwig. Tells the story of a lost teen growing up Sacramento. This was also based off Greta’s life growing up.
Both of these stories and films are fresh and original. They aren’t another superhero movie and not a reboot we’ve seen 10 times. These are real stories from incredible story tellers. My thoughts on this, it has spoken to me in the simplest way. Diversify who you are working with and great things will happen. Learn about where other people come from and hear about their challenges and struggles. Learn what makes them happy, sad, inspired, curious. Anything and everything. These conversations and these stories need to be told. They are hidden gems waiting to be uncovered by us, the creative.
It Starts With One
Let me set some things straight. This post wasn’t written to bash or slander anyone and this doesn’t mean if you are a white dude your next shoot has to be an all women crew. The main takeaway from this is just to be aware of how many creatives and collaborators are out there in the world who aren’t just the same crew you run with for every shoot. It’s amazing how many different people have a story that you can help tell. Work with every type of person you can and try to put yourself in their shoes. Learn and share stories with one another, It takes one relationship to spark ten more. Be that one. Be the person who is open to everything and anything and use your filmmaking abilities to help bring to life things you are learning. Isn’t that what creating is all about? Be the one to start it.
Collaboration Is The Missing Piece To Success
I Was Wrong All These Years
Early on in my career I was built on the idea that everything was done by yourself. I didn’t have anyone helping me on skate videos, music videos or personal projects. Maybe a helping hand or two, but never another person donating physical and mental chops to the creative process. This wasn’t until just a few months I realized what a “team” really meant. It wasn’t just asking someone to help out on the shoot date or for some PA to carry my gear. It was to bring someone into the workflow of the creative process.
Meeting The Right People
The cliche all over the creative world is “You gotta know the right people” or “It’s all about who you know”. I always took this as you knowing the head of a production company or the A&R at a record label. Yes, these are great people to know and work with but I don’t think they are the best types
Last year I met 3 people who changed my idea of collaborators.
Dominic DiMaria
Levi Arnold
Elliott Travis
There have been others but these three really taught me what a strong creative team and always positive attitude can get you in this create on demand space.
It took me almost 3 years of living in LA to make these connects. The problem was I was looking in the wrong places. I was just looking at peoples work and not their character. It didn’t even occur to me that it mattered how they were as a person. I just wanted someone who was creative. Who knew you had to also had to find someone who was gonna root for you all the way till the end.
I’ll admit, being 20 and new to LA. I just assumed everyone was in it with a full heart and mind. It took seeing laziness, people acting immature in front of clients and constant focus on producing the same level of work to see something wasn’t clicking. The click wasn’t me or the work. It was that I was working with the wrong people.
It can be tough finding your tribe, your type of people. Who not only challenge you but care about you. This is a trend I wish all creatives could have in their corner. It feels incredible to know someone is betting on you 100% of time, as you are for them.
How To Find These People
So you want to find the right people? This may take time but it’s so worth the the patient process. This past weekend I was at Film And Music, A event held by musicbed and filmsupply. They bring in filmmakers from all over to give keynotes and workshops.
One of the workshops was on building a business, more specifically a production company. This was led by Joel and Jesse of Evolve IMG. A high end production house based in Nashville. Through my years of working with others, I would just DM someone and ask for them to help. I usually have never worked with them nor did I have any recs. it was just me needing someone there. Little did I know that me bringing them on my set was a reflection of me. How they acted and responded, good or bad. This didn’t click a few awkward on set experiences and immature behavior. I always wondered how higher end companies has 0% of this.
Joel spoke about this. He said he treats even PA’s as someone interviewing for a job and it might even take a year before they trust this stranger on set, repping the Evolve name on their chest. This was really interesting to me and it clearly works. In the last 4-6 months I’ve been trying to meet 10 new people a month for coffee. They could play role in production or be in a totally different field. Point is, I wanted to expand my network. I’d find these people on social media or through friends. Meeting with someone who seemed like a great guy or gal + had a great work ethic. After 50+ meetings you start to notice a trend, very few fall in the middle of the scale. The scale being passionate or stale. You can tell who loves what they do and pushes themselves. These are the folks I clicked with. They had this fire and desire to chase the goal of not creating mundane work. They set a goal to challenge themselves. This made me want to get to know them more. These people are the ones I brought onto set or worked with extensively on new creative projects. I started to notice the ideas and natural energy these creatives gave off and it was the first time I realized how important it is to have someone creative and innovative in your court.
Why These People Matter In Your Personal Life
I’ve realized in the last few months that these creatives you work with, who propel you and challenge the ideas are also incredible friends outside of work. These people are there to build you up as a human and make sure you are going through life living the fullest. it’s incredible the amount of genuine people I’ve been able to bring into my life this past year. it’s no strand of luck that heart filled and creative driven people also make great lifelong friends. They want you to succeed in all facets of life, not just professionally.
Take your time to find and build these people up in your life. They are not as rare as you’d think. The best thing you can do is be open minded and open your heart to everyone you meet. The ones who feel the same are the people you will connect with the best. it’s not a game of luck, it’s a game of love and drive to be working with the best people in your circle.
Losing Passion In What You Love
Finding Love
If you are lucky and fortunate enough to find your dream career at age 15 you are among the few. I remember thinking only about film and photography and my mind just exploded all the time with new ideas and concepts. I was in high school, I didn't have to worry about taxes, rent, keeping up with clients, managing overhead, etc. It was just focus on the art, there is nothing else.
When we chase that love it takes us through obstacles filled with success and failure. We learn a lot about ourselves and hopefully learn from this times of good and bad in business. Going into college it was the same mindset. I didn't have to worry about anything besides creating. It was a happy marriage, and I was esactic
4 Years Later
Fast forward to 2018. I've been honored to work with people such as Post Malone, Tidal, Sean Kingston, etc. It's been an unbelievable ride, but now the whole idea of creating isn't what I'm chasing all the way. I asked myself the other day "what am I doing this for?". Do I just wanna create pretty images for my career? How am I giving back to the world and doing my duty as a good human? These are questions that really stuck with me and left in a state of confusion. Yes, I live and eat filmmaking but I don't wanna just be making great looking films. I want to be creating things that are making someone feel a certain way and maybe encourage them to go do something or even put them in a state of reflection.
I recently watched 2 movies that made me come up with this answer. Her and The Spectacular Now.
Both of these reflections put me in a state of reflection
1. The state of social media and the side effects but positive and negative.
2. The look on relationships and what it really means to be in love with someone. Is it for the sex or because you really care about that person?
These are 2 things I question in my real life and to know I can be making films about that changed how I view my own work.
Call To Action
I feel that when we say we are "losing passion" or "Not feeling inspired". I don't think that means we are losing interest. In my eyes I see that it's us forgetting we are in an infinite world with infinite ideas and we are zoned in on just a small view of what we can create. The 18 year old parker would be so happy for what I've done and accomplished, which is great. Progression is awesome but figuring out how to make content and have it affect someone is something so powerful that I'm now chasing. Making pretty images is great but what are they for? Why not find a story and attach pretty images with it. In the near future I want someone to walk out of a movie theater or exit out of netflix and say that they felt something watching a film I made. That is what I'm after. My love has transitioned from making aesthetics to creating emotions, and I believe that's just me growing up and seeing the world in a new way.
Maintaining Love
The idea of keeping the fire going is a great mindset, but pausing and reevaluating is maybe more important. I feel like from 2016-2017 I just put my head down and worked. I didn't ask questions and I never wondered what my work was for. I just did it cause I loved it and that's totally acceptable but I believe it is our duty as humans and creatives to create things for the sake of human emotion. That is what our backbones are made of and is what keeps us so in touch with ourselves and with others.
Find your passion, work hard and reflect. It's a hard thing to do and you might even second guess yourself because what once seemed like the ideal future might have shifted and that's okay. No one ever said following your gut was a bad thing.